Journaling To Myself About Life

For the past few weeks, I've been meditating for 2-3 hours/day sitting down. For the rest of the day, I practice an active meditation. Instead of thinking about life or business, I clear my mind and focus on awareness and equinimity. I don't know why I'm the way I am, but once I find the most effective technique for achieving what's most important to me; it is harder for me not to do it, no matter how hard.

Pursuing meditation so earnestly is exciting. The experiences the body is having are different than any they've had before. I'm beginning to understand and trust the "knowing" feeling inside of me. I equate this to knowing something is on the tip of your tongue, but not quite being able to remember it. How is it that we "know" that the memory is there, but can't actually know it consciously?

At the same time, doubts are coming up. It is hard, if not impossible, to logically support what has now become a central part of my life - to others, not to mention myself. Sometimes this makes me afraid of what others will think. Other times, it makes me afraid that I'm wasting my time and fooling myself, which I've done in the past.

Perhaps the people reading this blog understand this feeling through entrepreneurship and having a vision that others don't understand. However, we (the West) seem to live in a culture that is accepting of business, but not of spirituality. Going on a spiritual journey seems more difficult because it is harder to measure success, it is harder to talk about, living role models aren't publicized as well, and it is very polarized. Just as there are crazy, make-a-million overnight schemes in business - I've come across some cults and have become better at knowing what to look for. Oddly, some of the craziest entreprneurs and mystics were later worshipped.

Paradoxically, as I focus less on business, things seem to get better in that arena. I guess it's sort of like the negotiation paradox, that the side that is willing to walk away from a deal has more power. I feel more detached from the outcomes of business.

The first time I can seriously really remember thinking about spirituality was when my dad died when I was 8 years old. There was a moment where I vividly remember coming to the decision that life isn't going to necessarily go as I or others have planned, and I need to take life into my own hands. I didn't rule out God, but I guess I sort of became agnostic, the logic being: "Whether there is a God or not, I seem to have a lot of control over my decisions and actions. I'm going to use that control."

Although being raised as Jewish, I've been agnostic until college. In college, I really started to explore spirituality via reading, going to conferences, yoga, and meditation. A lot of stuff has been informative. Some stuff has been a waste of time. I've looked for religions/mystics I respect/trust and have looked for what they seem to agree on and have attempted to integrate those parts into my life. I pretty much did the same thing before with studying successful entrepreneurs.

I don't know if I believe in God or not. The term has been used so many different ways by so many different people. What I do know is that the techniques I've learned have increased my happiness/peace more than anything else I've ever done. I believe that there are "higher powers" that I don't fully understand, but which can be known experientially. That is all for now.

If not now, then when. If not you, then who.