Day 3

Today was informative. I put in the time to meditate. However, the mind was drifting a fair amount. I tihink this is OK as my goal is to observe and be ok with what is observed.

As I was meditating, old memories were coming back about why I meditate and why it's so important to me reaching my goals. It is interesting how I forgot these. I notice that I often have to learn the same lesson over and over. I forget and then remember.

Going over the day and events is so tempting. Thinking about worst-case scenarios, to dos, new ideas at some level is exhilirating. The body gets a quick out of it. While seemingly productive, my experience with observing thoughts tells me that the majority of them are not productive and that the more I engage in them, the less control I have.

I think something that leads to a cluttered mind is mult-tasking. I try to do five things at once. It goes well for awhile, then I have this feeling of getting behind and feeling cluttered. Then I start rushing and end up leaving 5-10 minutes. Then I end up running to where I need to go worrying that the people I'm meeting will be annoyed that I'm late. I think I could be more productive if I just did one thing at a time, left early to places, and focused on doing what was the most important task at any given time.

Another thing I'd like to work on is my humor. I think I take things to seriously. I think humor puts life in a different context, which makes things more fun, more healthy, and ultimately gives a perspective on life.

I've wanted to start this for awhile, but I think I will start trying to observe funny things about myself. Here are some for beginning:

1. When I'm wearing something that I think looks nice, every time a female walks by and we make eye contact, I think to myself, "She wants me." It's more of a reflex than a choice. I guess the same goes for being in a bad mood. When I'm in a bad mood and I make eye contact with a guy, I think to myself, "What are you looking at jerk? You want to fight fucker." Good thing I don't act on this as I'd probably get my ass beatean having been in zero fights my entire life. It never ceases to surpirse me how much we project our thoughts onto others.
   
2. Why do I curse in my thining, but never curse outloud?
   
3. I'm working at getting better at breaking rapport and saying what I really think. While listening is a great skill, sometimes people open up and they say crazy things. For example, I remember one time I was talking to this guy I met and he started making fun of Jewish people (probably not knowing that I'm Jewish). I didn't know what to say so I was like, "Yeah..those damn jewish." Of course, I didn't really say that, but I didn't disagree, I just listened. I think that I listen so well that I probably agreed with him and saw his side. Another time, I was taking a 36-hour train ride. The guy next to me completely opened up. He started telling me how he makes money on the side by purposely throwing himself in front of cars and collecting insurance or suiing. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "What the fuck did you just say?" But I nod and say something like, "Wow. I didn't know you could make so much money doing that." Four hours later into the ride, he opened up more and starting talking about having sex with strangers in bathrooms on trains and planes, even while the husband is on-board. For that, I reflexiively said, outloud "Wow. That's interesting. Tell me more about that." Then I said to myself, "Wow. That's interesting. I want to know more about that." But on a more serious note, How do you listen so well that you can see anybody's side, but still remember where you stand? Am I the only one that has that problem?