Making a Move

Thinking about making the move to live with a significant other? After living with Michael for over three years, here is the advice I gave to a friend:

Firstly, living together and dating are very different. My guess would be that living together is much more like being married than it is like dating, although of course I've never been married. There seem to be various stages to any relationship, and I think by moving in together, a new stage arises. The infatuation you get in the beginning of a relationship gives way to a more casual love. In a way, you start to think of each other like family and take each other for granted. A lot of the 'glamour' of the relationship goes away. It's great because you are so comfortable around each other, but at the same time you sometimes forget how lucky you are, and have to keep reminding yourself.

I've heard that successful marriages are less likely to come about after "cohabitations". I don’t know much about how these statistics were derived, but you have to think about the context. A couple living together has only very recently become acceptable, just as divorce has. Relationships are not what they used to be - for better and for worse. I think that one thing that our generation has been entirely mislead on is the belief that we have one soulmate and that once we find our "prince" we will live "happily ever after". Relationships are hard work, and we have never been taught how to push through the tough times which are inevitable. I would argue that the most difficult times for Michael and I have brought us the most growth - both individually and in our relationship. But many people take these difficult times as signs that they "were not meant for each other" after all.

The other thing I should point out about living together is that the longer you do it, the more difficult it is to break up. Michael and I have considered breaking up before (though we're both glad we didn’t now), and when that was going on, we realized how difficult it would actually be to move apart. Our belongings had virtually merged, and we had become very interdependent. But it wasn't just our belongings. We had been giving to each other unconditionally, the way you would give to a family member who you expected to always be your family member. But at the same time, when you're living together, marriage becomes very easy to put off, even if you plan on it eventually. (This is where I see our relationship right now.) It doesn’t seem like much would change, and so there doesn’t seem to be much of a point in it. Where is the benefit? Perhaps this accounts some for the increasing delay in the age of marriages in our generation.

I hope these points do not sound too negative, because to be completely honest with you, I think it was an excellent choice for us to live together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It will bring out the best in your relationship and the worst - and the best in each other and the worst. It is a beautiful catalyst for growth. However, living together is certainly not dating. I think for it to be successful, each individual has to approach living together with a commitment to the relationship's success, a willingness to change and compromise, and a determination to use the challenges as a means to grow personally.

Above all, I think the best advice I can give is the advice that my mother gave me when I told her that Michael and I were thinking about it - you have to follow your heart, and you will know if it is right for you.