My Deapest Fear
I think that my deepest fear is being nobody. I first realized this a year and a half ago when I was having a deep conversation with somebody. I first asked my friend what her what her deepest fear was, not having planned my own answer at all. Not surprisingly, she asked me the same question, and I decided to respond without thinking of it. My answer was, "Being Nobody."
I didn't really understand my answer until about 6 months ago. I was meditating and I had an awareness of what it would feel like to be nobody. I'm NOT talking about having no brand. I'm talking about having no identity.
The only way I know how to describe it is via buddhism and saying that it was an awareness of what it would be like to have no ego. I would've expected this to be a wholly good thing, but it wasn't. It felt empty.
After the last few months, I've had the feeling of wanting to hold onto existence of my identity. At the point when I had the awareness, I was meditating about two hours/day. After it, I have trouble meditating for 2 minutes. Also, I re-picked up a number of bad habits.
In the past, I've felt like dealing with fears and getting the motivation to do so has been fairly easy. This has been different this go around. I'm still building up the courage. Have you ever felt paralyzed by fear?